


May God Save your Soul

by FangirlOfTheCentury



Category: Supernatural
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Castiel/Dean kinda, Directly after 15:18, Empty, Fear, Happy Ending, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Season/Series 15, Torture, Unestablished love, angst with a somewhat happy ending, everything is okay, father cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 10:54:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27969419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FangirlOfTheCentury/pseuds/FangirlOfTheCentury
Summary: Castiel has sacrificed himself, countless times for everyone he has ever loved.However, this time has lasting consequences, and not a single detail is spared.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 26





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just to preface, this is a really dark depiction of what Cas went through in the empty, this also focuses more on the relationship between Jack and Cas, rather then Dean. Either way, I have read so many perspectives on Dean’s end, I figured id write one from Cas’s.

You changed me, Dean.

I love you. 

The panic in his eyes, the expression of pure fear and shock was the last thing Castiel saw on Dean’s face when at last he allowed himself to be engulfed by the dark black mass. Heavy cold material stuck to his coat and legs, dragging him and swallowing him into a deep abyss. However, Cas could barely process the horrific feeling as he was still entranced by the glow of being. It was like a weight off his shoulders, he was completely and utterly happy solely off of fully acknowledging his love, his real and true love, for Dean. The moment wouldn’t last, not as long as it should have as soon Cas was surrounded only by dark, the empty had taken him and a dark voice filled his head.

“Took you long enough” The voice echoed, and as fast as Cas’s elation had come, it would just as easily be taken away. He looked around still trying to live in his confession, his moment of pure unapologetic happiness, and knowledge that his happiness would also be the reason Dean continues to live. 

“I’m ready. I’m content.” Cas shouted, seemingly to no one, but someone must have heard because the voice in his head laughed. Nothing more was said, but a strong force was quick to make its presence as it grabbed the back of Cas’s head and yanked it back, hair, and scalp coming off in clumps as the empty began to take its toll on first his physical form, then his celestial form all while completely destroying his mentality. This is what Castiel had been told to prepare for. He just hoped he was ready. 

Pain shot through his head nearly knocking the wind out of him, hundreds of thousands of needles clawed through his cheeks making their way up to his eye sockets, warm thick goo fell from his eyes as he quickly lost all sight. The pain was unbearable, nothing he had ever felt on earth, and all because of his sacrifices. His son, his best friend, and he would do it all again. However, the voices began again when the next form of physical torture had taken its form. While a dull blade sawed at the base of his wings, long agonizing pain that could have knocked him out if he was still on earth, he heard his voice. 

It wasn’t Dean’s, or Sam’s, it was Jacks. Long guttural screams, screams every parent would never imagine but the sound was enough to raise a deep and dark panic Castiel had almost forgotten he had. His yells, and cries tore through the angel, enough to make Cas thrash as if he were trying to run towards the sound. The pain seemed to grow more intense every time he moved, every flinch every wince only added to eternal hell he would have to live through. Cas didn’t care.

“JACK” Cas screamed, as if it would do anything. He should’ve known better, known it was all just a simple mind trick, something to cause him pain, but the voice, the screams, they were so real. He sounded so scared, so hurt, and Cas couldn’t do a thing about it. The lines between reality and fiction were beginning to blur and the angel couldn’t help but lose himself in the sound of his son’s cries that ripped through his form. He was supposed to protect him, be there for him. He failed.   
“No no no no please please please let me go to him please” Cas let out a weak sob as Jack’s cries seemed to grow farther and farther away, as if to symbolize Cas’s failures as an angel, and as a guardian. 

“He’s dead. They both are.” A new voice seemed to enter his mind, a darker more sinister tone. Cas let out a sharp breath, the blade was nearly half way down his first wing and he could hardly process the pain he was feeling anywhere else.  
“It’s your fault. IT'S YOUR FAULT” the voice echoed through his head and Cas winced at the sound. 

“Sam” Cas whispered, he didn’t want to ask, he didn’t want to continue to subject himself to this mental torture by asking questions he didn’t want to know the answer to. Unfortunately he didn’t have to. 

“Jack is dead. Dean is dead. I’m alone, and there’s no one to blame, but you Castiel. You- you were supposed to protect my brother I thought you cared about him! I thought you cared about us, but you fucking LEFT HIM ALONE AND NOW HES DEAD. Jack- oh yes jack is gone too, you see Cas, you can’t protect someone when you leave them and now they’re facing their own consequences. And with chuck still in charge, you know neither of them found their way through the “pearly gates” “ his tone was mocking, condescending punches that knocked Cas down over and over again. 

“No, no that’s not true. That can’t be- I-I did everything for you, for Jack, for Dean! I can’t-I won’t believe it.” Cas’s words were weak. He sounded desperate for reassurance something to bring him some sort of protection after what felt like years of torture. 

“Oh but it is.” Sam didn’t sound like himself, he sounded like he was possessed or entranced something, but it couldn’t have been him. “They’re both dead. I’m alone, and I can’t blame anyone but you Cas. It’s your fault. Your fault.” The phrase your fault seemed to echo in his mind as Cas bit his cheek to hold back any sobs that seemed to rise in his throat. 

His first wing was almost completely gone, black goo from his eyes were beginning to clog his nose and mouth as it slipped down his throat, slowly suffocating him. Sam’s accusatory cries, and Jack's screams of pain were clogging his mind as if the voices were battling to see which one could be louder. Sam’s torment, Jack’s pain, and Dean’s silence was fogging all sensibility Cas once had physical pain aside. It was all too much, and Cas couldn’t do anything to escape it. 

Time had stopped feeling real. Days turned into months, which turned into years. There was no way to tell how much time had truly passed, but in the empty it didn’t matter. His wings were gone, taken away a while ago, the voices of torment only grew louder as new voices, voices of the innocents he’s failed reminded him how much he deserved this. He longed to hear Dean, something to remind him he’s alive, even if he was screaming at Cas, attacking him for every wrong thing he had ever done, reminding him how much of a failure he was, at least he would get to hear his voice. But Dean never came. 

But one day, one moment in the empty, felt different. Cas could not see, he could barely feel, but what he could feel was light. A presence was here, and was coming towards the angel. The empty didn’t feel as empty anymore, and suddenly a hand was touching his. Before Castiel could really understand what was happening he felt a sharp pull, then everything went completely numb. 

“Cas, Cas can you hear me?” The voice was familiar, and far away. Castiel slowly blinked open his eyes and bright fluorescent lights came flooding in, he immediately shut them again understanding it would take a while to adjust. What really mattered right now was that he could see. He could see and he was surrounded by light, and voices who weren’t hurting him. “Castiel? Are you awake” Cas took a moment to realize he was lying down, surrounded by warm sheets and soft pillows, a sensation he never understood because he never had to sleep. Castiel blinked a few more times forcing himself to look up at the figure standing above him. He smiled as he began to recognize him. 

“Jack.” Was all the angel had managed to choke out. His voice was weak, in fact his entire body was weak but none of that mattered because for the first time in what felt like an eternity he was with someone he loved. Soft silent tears fell down his face as he reached out to take Jack’s hand, who gladly took it pressing his other hand on top giving him a reassuring squeeze. 

“You don’t know how happy I am to see you here.” Jack managed with a choked up smile. Castiel was out of the empty, Jack had saved him, but he was in no shape to begin to ask questions or even attempt to get out of bed if he wished to have a decent recovery. So Castiel recovered, months went on and on rebuilding his form as the empty was not so easily healed. Jack would visit, telling him about his recreation of heaven, and all the plans he had to make it as fit for humanity as possible. As Castiel listened he took in everything his son, his now God, was saying and he couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of pride. 

Towards the end of his physical recovery, Castiel finally began to speak, say more then one or two words at a time, something he had barely been able to do prior. “Jack, y-you said Sam and Dean, they’re okay, but how are they really.” He whispered looking up at Jack who’s expression seemed to soften, in a way it didn’t the first time he mentioned the Winchester brothers. 

“Cas, I need to tell you” Cas tilted his head, his brows furrowing as he watched the other seem to struggle to find the words. “I believe- I believe Dean is going to die soon. I can’t know for sure but there’s something different and the presence around him, well it doesn’t feel the same.” Jack let out the words softly and slowly as if to let the density of the situation sink in. Cas stared at him for a moment only to begin to attempt to push himself from the bed.

“I have to- we have to go. We can’t stay here. I should save him, I can save him.” The words seemed to rush out of Cas in a low panicked manner. However Jack was quick to put a hand on his chest stopping all movement that had tore through the angel. 

“We can’t. I am hands off, and you are in no way able to make a sacrifice like that. This is Dean’s destiny-“

“But Sam he’ll be alone, I-“ Castiel was beginning to panic again but Jack was quick to cut him off.

“Sam will be okay. They will both be okay. Soon Dean will be here, he will be with Mary and John, he will be with you.” Cas supposed his words were meant to reassure him, but some nagging voice in the back of his mind reminded him that the possibility that Dean would not want to be anywhere near him was very real, and that was terrifying. 

“Of course. Thank you Jack.” Was all Cas could manage despite the hundreds of questions that still crowded his mind like a wildfire. Time went on, the day came and went when Dean entered heaven. Castiel was up and walking around at this point, and was at the seaside when Jack had come by to tell him about the older Winchester’s arrival. 

“Do you think you’re ready to see him?” Jack posed innocently, as if the question didn’t bare the weight of a thousand suns. Cas glanced quickly at Jack then back out at the sea that seemed to crash and break methodically, a sense of normalcy that soothed the frantic mind.

“I don’t know.” Castiel stated simply. “I went through so much, so much over the years, both with the empty- and my time spent on earth. I honestly don’t know how I’ll react.” Cas paused taking a shaky breath “I’m worried one glance at him and I’ll completely fall apart.” He looked down as if he were ashamed, ashamed of the built up guilt and anger and fear that had accumulated in him. “And I ask- I ask that if that happens, you promise you will look away. I know your presence is everywhere, but I don’t want you to see me anything other than my status now. You don’t deserve that.” 

“Castiel, you-“

“Please.” Castiel was now facing him, with a sense of desperation that Jack couldn’t manage the courage to argue with. 

“Okay” was all he said, and with that the conversation was dropped. 

A few more days go by and Cas works up the courage to make his way into the neighborhood where the Winchesters reside. Mary, John, Bobby, and now Dean would call this their eternal home, and Castiel almost turned around. He pushed on though, reminding himself that he couldn’t stay hidden forever, and he honestly did want to check in on Mary, he had cared for her so deeply. As he grew closer to Bobby’s residence, that’s when he saw him, the smiling, content rugged figure, climbing into the driver seat of that damned impala. 

Castiel felt the wind get knocked out of him as he stumbled back into the woods. Keeping himself hidden by the brush he watched as the impala sped by him on that old dirt road, god he looked so happy. Castiel fell to his knees, his stoic form gone as he buried his head in his hands letting out deep harsh sobs that wracked through his body, not because he was sad, but because after all this time Dean could rest, and so could he. Castiel let out every emotion that had accumulated over his years of emotional torture, and Jack, Jack had broken his promise and was there to wrap his arms around Cas when he needed it most.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean struggles with the loss of Cas, but all is soon forgiven.

The days, and weeks which had followed Cas’s death were hard. While pouring all energy into Chuck’s demise was a reliable distraction, once that was over and done- well. 

Then Jack had left. Reality had started to take its toll in the long that seemed to be endless within the bunker. The brothers would continue to work cases, and some days were better than others. Some days would end with the wrap up of a difficult case, feeling fulfilled and satisfied as the brothers would laugh and revel in all they’ve done over a cold beer. 

Others were less entertaining, one of the worst being the night not long after Jack had left. Sam had gone out, must have felt just as cooped up as Dean and decided to go take a night to himself, leaving Dean alone. Drink after drink after drink, Dean was losing himself in a coping mechanism that never seemed to do the trick. But every time he saw something that reminded him of _him,_ he took another drink. His tolerance was nowhere near enough to handle the onslaught of emotions that had washed over him, urging him to make his way down to the storage room. 

It was so cold. The air, the metal, everything was so fucking cold. Dean in his drunken state stumbled over to the wall in which the empty had taken its form. In one swift motion, Dean slammed his fist into the concrete. The shot of pain he felt in his hand was quickly forgotten about despite the warm blood that seemed to drip down his knuckles and wrist.

“Son’f a bitch” he slurred, his voice trembling as he fell to the ground. He can’t give up, Cas wouldn’t want him to give up, but god sometimes he wanted to. Dean stayed within the storage room for far longer than he planned, in fact he didn’t even hear Sam come home. When the younger brother walked in, he found Dean curled up, back pressed against the wall, and his face coated in cold, silent, tears. 

“Dean, let’s- let’s get you to bed.” 

Sam knew better then to bring that night up ever again. 

Yeah, it was hard. But Dean had Sam, and as long as they continued to do good for this world he would be okay. Things had actually begun to feel somewhat normal again when the boys got the vampire case. It didn’t feel like anything out of the ordinary, nothing special or strange, just a regular vamp nest who would go after families who lived out in the countryside. It wasn’t anything too difficult, it shouldn’t have been. 

They saved the day, the vamps were dead, but something was terribly wrong. Pain shot through Deans stomach and abdomen, making it difficult to remain upright. Something had pierced into his lower back, and god Sammy looked so scared. Minutes felt like hours as the younger brother held him, trembling, and unable to keep himself composed. Of course Dean understood, he held onto his brother best he could and reminded him just how proud of a big brother he was. It wasn’t long until Dean was slipping, his vision growing dark and fuzzy, and with those simple words he allowed himself to drift off.

“It’s okay, you can go now.”

When Dean opened his eyes he was surrounded by the warm comfort of nostalgia, but nothing he could quite put his finger on, no one distinct memory, but rather nostalgia for a feeling he always longed to have. The air was brisk, the breeze soft and cool, and the smell of sweet summer mornings seemed to fill the air. It was beautiful, peaceful, and he had made it. 

It wasn’t long before he ran into Bobby, as if the older man had been waiting for Dean, ready to offer him a shitty beer that reeked of simpler times. Everything here was so comforting and inviting, and while Dean wanted to be skeptical, he simply couldn’t. 

“So Jack did all this huh.”

“Well… Cas helped too.” 

Cas. Cas was here, Cas was here in heaven. Cas was here in heaven and was no longer trapped in the pit of hell that was nothing. Cas was safe and okay, thank god- well thanks to Jack, literally. Dean’s mind should’ve kept racing, but something about this place brought an overwhelming sense of calm. There was no need to worry, it would all end up just how it was meant too. 

So Dean just smiled. Bringing the beer bottle up to his lips, and drinking in the feeling of purely being okay. 

Dean didn’t know where he was going when he began to drive, he just knew that Jack, or Cas, or someone would guide him to what feels right. Heavy thoughts still weighed him down, despite being in literal heaven the years of trauma would never fully go away, but right now in this moment, with Kansas blasting as the wind tore through his hair, he had hope. 

When he approached a fork in the road he slowed to a stop trying to let intuition take over, as it had done on his ride so far. However, while something tugged at his gut to turn right, the path that had a clear sign warning about a bridge crossing, something in the back of his mind seemed to say ‘not yet’ so he turned left. The road seemed to grow narrow as the path became bumpy and unstable taking him deeper into the woods. The sun still shone bright through the dark green leaves and long branches, and despite the rough terrain, Dean couldn’t help but feel a certainty of purpose. This became all too clear when he saw him. There, not 40 feet away was Cas, his back turned to impala as he sat in silence on a fallen tree branch. The angel turned around at the sound of the impala, his eyes wide and mouth agape. 

As Dean stopped the car, he took a second before actually stepping out, he watched Cas in awe as the angel seemed to struggle to find the strength to stand. And once he did he was making no effort to move towards Dean. Dean broke the silence when he slammed the door shut.

“Dean- I”

“Shut up.” Dean was quick to cut him off. “I am so- mad at you, Cas. I can’t describe how angry I was- am, at what you did, how you left. You know I don’t do grand goodbyes, I _can’t_ do goodbyes, and you just- and I couldn’t even-“ he took a breath struggling to find the words “I-I told you not to do that again. Not to fucking get dead on me like that I don’t care, I told you not to do that again.” He let out a shaky breath, he didn’t realize he was beginning to tremble until he took a second to recompose. Cas was silent, he looked absolutely petrified, and heartbroken. “That being said.” Dean began shaking his head as a small smile crept onto his face. “I am so happy to see you.”

Cas nearly fell over with the amount of unexpected weight as Dean threw his arms around the angel. Cas was hesitant to hold him back, but when he did he didn’t want to let go. Neither one of them moved to pull away as Dean held tight onto Cas, as if letting go would mean losing him again. But when Cas finally pulled back, miraculously, neither one seemed to disappear into the air. 

“Dean, I-I’m so happy to see you. I’m so happy you’re here- and I’m so _sorry_ I left you, but you know I had too.” Cas took a breath, and gave Dean a knowing look. “And you can’t pretend you wouldn’t have done the same thing for me.” Dean let out a weak laugh at Cas’s words. He wasn’t exactly wrong. 

“Yeah well, shut up” was all he managed, because right now Dean didn’t care about clever comebacks. He had Cas back, and that’s all that mattered. 

“Dean I also need you to understand. I can’t go back to how things were, I can’t pretend what I said didn’t happen, that it doesn’t mean anything. Because it does.” Cas was no longer looking at Dean, his eyes darted to the ground as he seemed to be ashamed of being so vulnerable. Dean’s jaw seemed to set as he took a step back, his eyes also shifting to the ground. 

“Yeah no of course not,” his voice was gruff, yet understanding. “Cas I’ve been thinking a lot about that night. In fact I don’t think I’ve been able to stop thinking about that night, and I want you to know I have never openly considered to be into- uh other dudes” he cleared his throat daring to look at Cas, who was now staring at him with such an intensity that only muddied Dean’s mind more. “I always knew we had a connection, different then mine and Sammy’s, different then I have had with anyone else. I didn’t know what it was until you- until that _night_.”

“What are you saying Dean.” Cas’s voice was soft, and hopeful. 

“Cas I- I mean- Cas you are- fuck it what I’m sayin’ is I love you too, you son of a bitch.”

Cas’s breath hitched. He looked completely in shock, and Dean took his moment of bravery to do what he should’ve done years ago. He pressed his hand against the angels jaw, and in one swift motion pressed his lips into the others. Cas’s eyes widened, but soon fell shut as he melted into the feeling, his hand pressed up against Dean’s while the other rested on his waist, as if they had done this a thousand times. Everything felt right, and while both understood none of this would have been possible on earth, they also recognized this was heaven, it was okay to let go. 

When Dean pulled back he smiled, a little shaken but glowing nonetheless. “Who knew, maybe I am strictly into dick now” he laughed, but Cas looked confused.

“I think I’m struggling to understand where that came from” he muttered, a little breathlessly, which Dean had found unapologetically adorable.

“Don’t worry about it, c’mon let’s go for a ride. I wanna catch up.” 

And they did. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn’t help myself and figured I’d write their reunions. I hoped you enjoyed my story, please let me know what you thought!


End file.
